Drayton's Gazette discusses social and political issues happening around the globe through the eyes of the African American, minority and disaffected communities.

The King, by V.Lyn

My name is King and I have the biggest dick no matter what that man Victor says… I can lay pipe like pipe has never been laid…(he looks in the mirror at all 6’3″ of himself flexing his muscles) At 44 you’d think he’d know better about pipe laying cause his idea of magnificent pipe laying is rolling over, placing hands behind his head, his one eyed staff sticking skyward. Now if his idea for foreplay was a little more than a slap of spit on my ass at least a bit of a messaging of the ol’ mammary glands I’d be more willing to play a freaking concerto on that one eyed pied piper and since he doesn’t and I am a quid pro quo kinda girl, you do me I do you (after all I started too young for all those who have already read my brief bio can attest to), and I think at this stage of my life I am entitled to more than something poking me in the back in the middle of the night as though I am supposed to swoon. (Can’t a girl have an orgasm or two?) So instead he lays there as though he doesn’t know his love making is mediocre at best since it is not about us it is about him. Despite the fact that you have told him over the years there is something missing. That which is missing is interest in whether or not I am pleasured, and why should he believe me -after all you can be a bitch…and he well a narcissist… and of course he can lay it down like a virtuoso, so what I said cannot possibly be true so instead he asks “please suck my balls”.  No foreplay after all why waste time…

“I swear tooooo God I am going to be the champ at the Body Building contest” Still flexing and preening. “You think I’m getting big babe? I swear to God I am gonna win that Body Building contest?”

Got damn you have to ‘mit it he looks good… Deep chocolate, a natural athletic body,  good ‘nough to eat -but nope quid pro quo is strictly enforced here- Now I know I like having him around because he well shit the brother looks good, he is young and we are in synch in that.. I like hip, love to dance, have great stamina, love our many debates, and we have fun…most of the time…

“Are you going to work out today?” he ask, his eyes still making love to himself in a way no one else ever could.

Now here is a tad more history on me, I am 53, have worked out since I was ten, boxed an worked out up to 3 and a half hours six days a week up until 3years ago. The King(he’d wear a crown if he thought he could get away with it) and I have been together for seven years now(we often have lots of good times together, really, because I am callous an can emotionally detach and he is a narcissist and is natural detached, at the heart of his grandiose ego is an inferiority complex, seems like an oxymoron but …not) At the heart of his narcissism is a the creation of the man he wants you to believe you see the man he wants to be and fears he hasn’t measured up to…and me I am direct, have what I believe are anti-social tendencies and am impatient with what I think are weaknesses, or inconsistencies.  When he is pissed off he would say cold, hard, unfeeling and a bitch, I say not a hypocrite. He would say emotional and I would say passionate but always logical.  In the beginning he used to say “Why you got to be so hard” (he meant that physically and emotionally, why can’t you be compassionate? (Now in defense I am compassionate but my passion and compassion are directed towards issues more than individuals, unless individuals in the abstract, other than family) Why do your biceps have to be so big, why do your thighs and calves got to be so hard, why is your hair so short, why do you have to wear pointy shoes, why you have to wear stilettos, I like baby doll shoes, I wish your hair looked like it looks when it’s wet. Do you have to work out all the time? Why does your 2, 3, 4 year old grandson gotta command all your attention…what about meeeeeeeee…. (My answer was oh well I like it get used to it or go elsewhere. I like me. Just the way I am tough, because I have had to be, hard because sometimes the world demands it of you and yes sometimes a real biiiitch, but if you are my friend I am loyal to the end)   or I hear more recently “The teachers aren’t fair (he is going back to school to become a nurse) they don’t ask the questions exactly the way they asked them in the book.”

“Well King that’s because they want to see if you understand the material not just regurgitate it” I respond.

His response as usual is sullen as though you have betrayed him by pointing out this reality.  “Why can’t you support me and just listen and not take their side.” he states.

“King your smart you can do anything you want,. Did you really expect them to give you the answers or not make you think” Now I know I could say it nicer but well it’s the truth…

“That’s not the point sometimes I am not asking you to say anything just listen” (now I ask you how do you know when someone wants you to listen or to dialogue?)

“Ummm because it’s the truth and you are 44 and should be able to handle the truth. God stop being a pussy” I reply.  (sorry I am not into coddling a grown man…and his grandioso tendencies my grandkids yes…adults buck up lets figure things out…sometimes we do reap what we sow…

Here’s an example of another of our  conversation…I spoke to him about the abuse I experienced he says in a later conversation “I didn’t know it was a big deal, I though he just touched you?” even though I recounted the tale several times he didn’t hear me because the story was not relevant because it is not about him. he says I am making too much of his response, it is unreasonable of me to be offended I say even if it had been “just” touching that would be significant.  But what is offensive is being invisible to the King. I said to him that I want to go back to college for my masters that I would like to become a college professor he says ” I see you more as a teacher” I say that his comment is demeaning and that is how he meant it. NJot because the profession of being a teacher is demeaning but because he thought the level would not be something I could obtain. He says I cannot know his mind….ummm yes while I am not a mind reader, that is one of his many self ascribed titles as well as professor, enlightened individual, culturally aware, a musical savant, an aficionado of great films etc. etc. etc. …. now while I maybe an under achiever as he likes to say, and I say “I define success differently than he does” and I am very perceptive especially concerning his nuanced speech, and sarcasm.  I have an IQ of 130 and earned straight A’s through school and college despite being fuuuuuuccccked up every day while attending.  I say his comment is tantamount to me saying upon being told someone wants to be a doctor that they are better suited at being a nurse, or if I told him when he said he wanted to go back to school to be a nurse ” I see you more as a lab tech.”

I tell him there is a book I would like to write…he instead tells me what he sees me doing is a children’s book, no dialogue on the book concerning African Americans todays and the structural racism that exist today which I’d like to write… no excitement, or feedback…No interest concerning the book about my father that I am writing other than to say “That’s interesting”, he has never read my blog although it is almost 2 years old and when he sees me drawing (mediocre artwork at best) he says I should try and sell them,(ummmm @ 25$ apiece) he is sincere here, now some will say that is a good step… but I say bull shit because I have never said I had a passion for it..I enjoy it..I am mediocre at best…Why it is bullshit is because he doesn’t know me because the me is irrelevant…The me has never said I am passionate about drawing only that I enjoy it.  Now in case you don’t believe that he is a narcissist here is another example; I made a sketch of him shirtless waist up and for a school project he had to bring a picture of the things that mattered to him. Now here is what he wanted to bring in, a 5by7 photo of his kids and the 22by28 shirtless sketch of himself to class…I fortunately talked him out of it. Now it is not all him. I am reactive…if you are not attentive to me I will not be attentive to you…if you are distant to me I will be distant to you… if you are hurtful to me I will be far colder and hurtful to you…I won’t be soft because I am defensive..ready for a fight.

Hey babe guess what, I got a Versatile Blogger award from several of the bloggers I follow because of one of my post.

“Cool…Hey babe do you think my biceps are getting big? Do you think I’m getting big enough to win the Body Building contest in June?”

“I told you yeah two seconds ago didn’t I?”

“Yeah I know, but do you think my calves are bigger?

“Yes babe your calves are bigger, but how long are you gonna stand there loving yourself?”


13 responses

  1. Um….oh my.

    February 15, 2012 at 12:07 am

    • LOL…I heard that… 🙂 but the oh my could come from either side…although I think I am more balanced but then again it is all perception…isn’t it?

      February 15, 2012 at 12:10 am

      • I am gonna shut my damn mouth….I don’t want to go over that “friendship” line….I’ll just say….oh my. He needs some assistance I think.

        February 15, 2012 at 12:12 am

      • Lol we both have need of asssistance…but I think I am willing to see me as I am and I have decided that I like the me that I am. He on the other hand is a really cool guy…most of the time…but is unwilling to see who he is….
        and if I didn’t want opinions I wouldn’t have posted this…

        February 15, 2012 at 12:20 am

  2. And you need…….

    February 15, 2012 at 12:12 am

  3. I agree with Jueseppi… I don’t want to go over the line here. But I will sneak in the following… Definitely narcissistic. And you are an incredible woman and deserve to be treated better than that. Please. And I know you are strong enough inside that you have the strength to not believe anything demeaning he may say about or towards you. Okay… I’m gonna shut up now.

    February 15, 2012 at 1:39 am

    • thanks Michelle, he has narcissistic tendencies… and I definately make no excuse for him or myself for that matter… he’s mostly insecure and finds his value in being admired …this is sad because he is better than what he believes himself to be..and there is no need to shut up

      February 15, 2012 at 2:27 am

  4. Rose

    I don’t know you well, V, but I do know your situation. So I’ll simply offer the following. I also know King. You described the man I used to be with to a “T”. I left that man awhile back because I realized I deserved far better. In the process, I lost my house and ended up homeless. He was the most narcissistic person I have ever met, as well as abusive, and I have never been more pleased to rebuild my life, as tough as it is, from the ground up without him.

    Has it been easy? Hell no. I’m still paying, literally, for his bullshit. But I deserve better and so do you. I’m tired of not being heard. I’m tired of self-centered King’s within MY realm. I’m happy to share my world, but I refuse to be invisible within it.

    You are also deserving of far better. I won’t suggest you leave because that is not my place. You decide what your life looks like and how to form it. However, consider this if you will… a cycle of abuse is continuing. You are strong, damn strong, V, and I admire you more than you know. You are the way you are because you have to be. It’s a defense mechanism. But why remain invisible when your qualities are so desirable to others who would actually appreciate them? Just curious…

    February 15, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    • Hi thanks for the support Rose and while he is all those things I described he is also a lot more loving and kind. The home is mine…and I have a great position and while he is deaf in many circumstances…cause if it ain’t about propping up his fragile ego…he is also supportive it’s just that he hears what he wants to hear… he is not physically abusive and that is something I would never tolerate or accept…and which he knows I could give maybe not as good as I could take but he sure would know about it 🙂 I have boxed for over thirty years now 🙂 Unfortunately when we write brief post we often do give valifdity to the subtlety…I am as hard and demanding on him and sometimes more powerfully distant as well…perhaps in retaliation to his whininess or his self absorption…
      The issue that I have with him is that I want him to put away the oh poor me attitude the neediness and see his strength, lay away the world is out to get me shit (and when I say me he thinks it is all about him and not something structual or institutional) He is selfish, passive aggressive and self absorbed…I am hard, intolerant of hypocrisy, agressive and unforgiving… I demand to be seen and heard…and because I demand it- he sees me- he just needs to learn to listen as opposed to hear.

      February 15, 2012 at 4:40 pm

      • Rose

        I love your reply! You are in a much better position than I was. Though the house was mine, unfortunately, it sat upon land which was his and though he was not physically abusive, he was extremely emotionally abusive which I would no longer tolerate. And he would no longer tolerate my independence, which was what he claimed to have fallen in love with in the first place. He wanted a passive woman he could control and who would follow his every whim. That is not me and when I did not conform, he ended the relationship and evicted me from his land. Therefore, I could no longer live in my own home.

        Your situation, though similar to mine, is much different in the sense that you are still in control and that is a very, very good thing. And the fact he is still loving and kind is even more wonderful to hear. Perhaps I shouldn’t suggest this, but if he’s open to any type of counselling which provides communication skills, he can learn to listen as opposed to simply hearing. That could change things a lot!

        February 15, 2012 at 5:00 pm

      • Thanks Rose I think while our situations were somewhat similar- our strength and love of self is far more a like. You showed strength and endurance and a profound respect for yourself when you left someone who was not good for you and for that matter anyone else. My King and I have had different parenting experiences and of course experiences which have shaped us…while we both grew up Black and growing up black is very different in a world and a country that is structurally racist and where a vast number of blacks are locked into poverty. For me growing up it was not a question whether you would succeed it was a matter of how are we going to help you succeed. In his family success was defined by an expectation of failure or mediocrity. My family encouraged and demanded and walked you to the resources that were available his family thought education would be “nice” if you were smart enough to achieve it and if the “white man” would allow you to obtain it… My background is the background of Sugar Hill NY, and men and women toiling at jobs of seamstresses, porters and teachers his was set in a background of poverty in Philly and low expectations and waning hope, of parents who were laborers/ and handy man business owners, with dreams that seemed unatainable and denied them. My family was you will not fail his was when will you fail…. My background was one of a strong family system of a mother who worked two jobs a dad who served 26 years in the military of uncles who spoke of Malcolm X, King, WEB Dubois, Ghandi, of the Nation of Islam, Christianity, racism and politics, his family spoke of racism and how you were destined to fail because of the structure of racism. I grew up with fisted arms thrust in the air saying I am black and I’m Proud…he grew up when that which had been shouted loud across this nation was no more than a whimper…he grew up with little stability and I grew up with a family that while far from perfect loved and supported me and encouraged me and tolerated nothing less than for you to strive my family is still that family and his family has not moved far beyond the 1980s.
        So his desperation and need to assert himself in some regards is understandable but just because you UNDERSTAND something does not mean that it is ACCEPTABLE or should not be called out for what it is …

        February 15, 2012 at 9:22 pm

      • I think it’s wonderful that you two have “met.” 🙂 🙂 ❤

        February 15, 2012 at 10:07 pm

      • I’m glad we all met 🙂

        February 15, 2012 at 10:14 pm

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